


Fictitious & Delicious

by Anonymous



Category: Nailed It! (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fans & Fandom, F/M, Gen, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 17:58:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17146406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Welcome to a new episode of ‘Nailed It!’ As always, I’m your host, Nicole Byer. Today, we’re trying something a little bit different. Rather than seeing your best baking creations, we’re inviting three amateur fic writers to the ‘Nailed It!’ studio to see what stories they'll write based on prompts you sent us! Now, let’s meet our contestants.





	Fictitious & Delicious

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lookatallthemoresigive](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lookatallthemoresigive/gifts).



A camera pans around the ‘Nailed It!’ studio as it magically transforms. A stand mixer becomes a laptop. Flour canisters change into Star Wars DVDs sitting under a Yoda figurine. A large television appears, with the ‘buddy breathing’ episode of Due South playing on a loop from what appears to be a bootlegged episode put up on YouTube. Books, stacks of books, literally so many books, emerge. 

We zoom in on a woman wearing a sparkling, festive top. “Welcome to a new episode of ‘Nailed It!’ As always, I’m your host, Nicole Byer. Today, we’re trying something a little bit different. Rather than seeing your best baking creations, we’re inviting three amateur fic writers to the ‘Nailed It!’ studio to see what stories they'll write based on prompts you sent us! Now, let’s meet our contestants.”

We cut to contestant one’s home. Her tumblr handle - whats-so-sirius - appears on the chyron below. “I guess I probably started writing when I was around 11,” Siri says. “I just - I mean, we all read Harry Potter and I thought, how would the books have been different if Harry had been expelled by the Wizengamot at the start of OOTP, and had gone to live with his godfather. So I started writing, and I haven’t stopped since.”

“My beta says I should probably finish this fic at some point. It’s more than 500,000 words, and I keep having to update how many parts it’ll probably have. Right now, it’s at 150/?. But I know that my readers really responded to that chapter detailing Buckbeak’s genealogy, so I don’t think she’s right.” 

We cut to contestant two, who goes only by ‘Jen.’ “I deleted my tumblr,” she says. “Before the blue hellsite had the chance to. I don’t know why they said my Transformers fanart wasn’t safe for work. You could hardly even see the ... I guess the technical term is ‘butt splicing.’”

Contestant three appears on screen at her laptop, hitting the refresh button on her Ao3 page, which shows her username, APitchOutside. “Why is no one commenting?” she asks. “Whyyyyyyy? It’s a rare pair fic for a canon that hasn’t had a new update in 10 years. I posted this minutes ago, and it seems like no one likes it. What if it’s awful?”

We cut to her house later that night; she’s in bed, hitting refresh on her phone. “Maybe I should kudos it?” she asks. “Logged out, so that people click on it. But then I’ll know that it wasn’t a real kudos. But maybe …” 

Back in the studio. Nicole is reading something from an iPad, her eyes widening. “I didn’t even know you could put a … Transformer part in … another Transformer part and … Is that oil spurting? Oh, this is going to be wild.”

She looks up at the camera. “All right, well, let’s meet our judges! Our first judge is an author whose name you might know from the New York Times bestseller list, but for now, we’re just going to call her by her username, Allium-cepa or ‘Alli.’ Let’s welcome her!” 

“Our second judge writes for the hit show Rivendell and is probably responsible for making your favs kiss and/or your NOTP bone down. Let’s welcome Greta!”

Both judges, and three contestants, enter the set. 

“Right, so let’s get started, my little writer-lings. Our first challenge is called, ‘Writer’s Choice,’ and you get to pick from these three prompts sent in by our loyal viewers. Let’s see what we have in store!”

A panel opens with a spray of glitter. Three cards held up by pedestals appear on which are written three different prompts:

  * “There’s only one bed but we’re both werewolves!”
  * “Fake dating AU/ghost detective AU crossover!”
  * “Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Explicit Sexual Content, 18th and 19th Century RPF, So Much Fluff, Fluff And Angst, Curtain Fic, the War of 1812”



Nicole reads each one, giggling after each. “Contestants, you have your prompts and 45 minutes to write at least 100 words. Go!”

Siri runs over and grabs the first prompt. Jen hesitates between the second and third prompts before grabbing the second. APitchOutside snags the third, looking a bit crestfallen. Each returns to their station, where a set of instructions sits on an iPad.

1\. Write 100 words for your prompt.  
2\. There is no step 2. 

“Wow,” Nicole says. “That’s not a lot of directions! Alli, tell us how you’d address this.”

Allie pauses. “Well, I would probably begin with some canon review, but with time pressure like this, I’d stick with classic flavors - your Kirk/Spock, your Wincest, maybe something for a kid’s movie that the audience is likely to be familiar with.”

“Great advice!” Nicole says. “How about you, Greta?” 

“Make ‘em kiss,” she chants. “Make ‘em kiss!”

“Also good advice!” Nicole says. “Let’s check on our contestants.” 

The camera cuts over to each contestant’s station. Siri is typing away; Jen is lying on her back, tossing a stress ball idly. “I should start writing,” she says. “But I work better under deadline and 45 minutes is such a loooong time.” 

APitchOutside taps at her keyboard, and then highlights what she’s written, hitting delete. “Nope,” she says. “Big nope. Oh god, that was so terrible. Nope, nope, nope.” She resumes typing.

“Wow,” Nicole says. “I guess we didn’t think about how boring this was going to be! Let’s see what Wes is up to! Wes. Wes! WES! WESSS!” 

The camera shows Door 2, Wes’ normal entrance, but it looks like it’s been nailed shut.

“Oh, right,” Nicole says. “We made Wes vet all of our potential contestants. Who knew that reading 500 A/B/O fics in a row would have psychological side effects? Wes will be returning right after we all promise not to use the words ‘moist’ or ‘dripping’ again. Which we don’t! Moist. Moist, moist, moist!”

The camera pans over the contestants, two of whom appear to be scrolling through their Twitter feeds and one of whom is responding to comments on Ao3. 

“Are any of you done?” Nicole asks.

“Yes,” say Siri and APitchOutside.

“Haven’t started,” Jen says. 

“Guess we’re going to take the whole time,” Nicole says. “Two minutes!” 

The on-screen clock ticks down. Siri types furiously. APitchOutside adds, then deletes, then adds a comma to a sentence. Jen begins typing.

A buzzer blasts, spraying another shower of glitter. “That’s time,” Nicole says. “Put your fics behind your screens, contestants!”

We cut to Siri, who’s trying to write clandestinely, even as her screen drops. Nicole, Alli, and Greta examine her iPad. “I didn’t realize Remus Lupin was that flexible. Especially with his clone,” Greta says. 

Nicole’s mouth moves as she reads, mostly over a single word which she seems to be repeating. “That is way more werewolf jizz than I can say I was expecting! Let’s move on.”

APitchOutside looks abashed as her screen comes down. “It’s, well. I normally work with a beta and -”

“Are these the Federalist papers?” Nicole asks.

“It’s a pastiche,” she says. “Or it would be, but it was hard to include both James Madison’s advocacy for a commercial democracy and his getting furiously dicked.”

“Good Publius/’Pube’lius pun,” Greta says.

“Thanks!” APitch replies.

“Neat!” Nicole says. “I didn’t want to think about that with my brain-parts. Let’s go to Jen.”

The camera zooms in on Jen’s iPad, and it’s the phrase, ‘ghosts _can_ fuck’ over and over again. 

“Well, that’s a … I’m not sure that that’s actually a fic,” Alli says.

“It’s free-form,” Jen says. “Who’s to say what fic really is, anyway?” She looks at Alli challengingly. Alli doesn’t respond. 

“All right! It’s time to determined who’s winning our prize, which will give you an advantage in the next round,” Nicole says. “Wes or some kind of off-brand Wes substitute, bring out what one lucky writer has won!” 

A man emerges from the door pushing a cart with holding a new laptop. The man pushing the cart, the cart, and the laptop itself are all covered in glitter. “Wes, you came back!” Nicole says, but the figure shakes his head. “Moist,” he groans, and it sounds like a defeat. He scurries off. 

“Our winner from the ‘Writer’s’ Choice’ challenge, and ‘Pounding Father’ enthusiast, is APitchOutside! In addition to getting this sparkly new laptop, she and the other contestants will get a ‘panic button,’ for three minutes of beta help from Alli.” Nicole hands each of the three contestants a button that says ‘PANIC.’ 

“And as an added advantage for one of our writers, we have our newest feature,” Nicole continues. “We call it ‘Alpha, Beta, Oh My God!’ When the writer in question hits this button, her competitors have to stop whatever they’re doing and write A/B/O fic that involves the words … goodness, these are some _filthy_ words. Let’s make Wes read ‘em out loud!”

Wes appears, still covered in glitter, and shakes his head. There are tear tracks in the glitter. 

“It seems like Wes hasn’t recovered, so we’ll just have to wait to see what these words are. Here ya go!” She hands the A/B/O button to Siri and winks. “You already used most of the required words already.” 

“Now that we’re all buttoned up, let’s see what our next challenge is for you! This is our ‘Nailed It or Fail It’ challenge, and the winner of it gets $10,000 and the coveted ‘Nailed It!’ trophy. Alli, tell ‘em what they need to do!”

“For this challenge, which we’re calling the ‘Yuletide’ challenge, you need to write a fic to a recipient’s specifications of at least 1,000 words. It should contain a beginning, middle, and end, and follow a narrative structure.” She casts a look at Jen, who shrugs. “It should be written to not only include as many of your recipient's wants as possible but none of their ‘don’t wants.’ Meaning, if they don’t want death fic or beastiality or crossovers, you cannot include them.” 

“Beastiality was a concern?” Nicole asks. “OK then. As my grandma used to say, consensual beastiality only. Five hours on the clock. Go!”

Voiceover cuts in as the contestants return to their stations. “Each of them received the same letter, asking for fandoms Wes’ extensive research predicted would be popular this year.”

“Sitcoms are a perennial favorite,” Alli says. “As are beloved childhood books and what we call five-minute fandoms, like ads or music videos.” 

“So if they got a prompt about the Geico gecko …” Nicole asks. “And it didn’t say beastiality wasn’t a DNW?”

“That’s usually a feature, not a bug, for people who prompt that fandom,” Alli says.

“Wes!” Nicole shouts, and then fakes a swoon across the judge’s table. “I have undergone a terrible shock. Come hold me! And take your shirt off!” 

A quick pan of the contestants show that Siri is already writing. APitchOutside is watching a video on YouTube, freezing it at a specific moment and returning to it again. Jen is picking something out from under her toenails and doodling art that looks like - the camera inserts a blur over what she’s drawing. 

“We realized somewhere in this process that watching people write is way more boring than watching baking enthusiasts go at it. So we’re montaging it!” Nicole says. 

Music begins playing, as the scene cuts between contestants, each frowning at her screen or, in Jen’s case, napping. 

“We’re gonna do a choreographed dance!” Nicole says, once the music fades. “Or we’re gonna get drunk and dance! One of the two! Let’s go!”

The production crew emerges from behind the cameras, each dressed as a character from a show found on Netflix, except for Wes who is still covered in glitter. They conga. A trail of glitter snakes around the studio. On screen, a clock counts down to being 15 minutes before the deadline.

“Let’s check on our contestants,” Nicole says. There are five empty glasses in front of her, and she’s drinking from a sixth with a curly straw. 

Siri looks up from her laptop. “What do they mean by the story needing an ‘ending?’”

“I really wish I’d had time to do a bit more research,” APitchOutside says. “Mostly, there are the episodes that never made it to DVD, and I only had time to review the ones with English subtitles and -”

“Haven’t started,” Jen says, scratching at her stomach where her T-shirt has ridden up. “Probably should.” There are pillow marks on her face, despite the fact there are no pillows in the studio. 

“Well, this is going to be something,” Nicole says. 

The clock winds down. Nicole jumps up, spilling one of her drinks across the judge’s table. A glitter-covered hand emerges from under the table holding a rag and begins to wipe it up.

“And that’s time! Put your stories behind your screens, and as an added twist, we’re going to switch them around so that the judges won’t know whose is whose until a reveal. Let’s check these out.”

The first story uses the word ‘moist’ at least 12 times. “Wow,” Nicole says. “I wish everything was that self-lubricating! Though that line about ‘stuffing Christmas stuffing into people’s holes’ - that is an image that lingers. But I guess it’s holiday-themed! So let’s move on!”

The second story is written for a Danish-language fandom and is a careful exploration of what it means to be human set against the backdrop of a small-town murder mystery. Alli reads it and begins dabbing at her eyes. “Just got to the part when the detective and her robot partner - oh god, it’s so good.”

The third story appears to be a picture of Optimus Prime’s dick. 

“That is a picture of Optimus Prime’s dick,” Nicole says. “I thought it’d be made of robot parts, but there it is, meaty and glistening.”

"It's one of the lions from Voltron," Jen says.

The camera pans out to three contestants, each now standing in front of their respective story. Nicole picks up the ‘Nailed It!’ trophy. “Well, this was difficult, but seeing as one of the stories was actually just a picture of a robot dick and one didn’t have an ending, but did have enough self-made lube to fuel a slip-and-slide, we have a clear winner! Come get your money, APitchOutside!” 

“Uh,” APitchOutside says. “So, this is kind of embarrassing, but um, these are kind of my … the term is 'socks?'” Siri and Jen flicker and then fade from the screen, leaving only pools of glitter in their wake.

“What is happening here?” Nicole asks. “You’re all the same person! Weird! And kind of kinky! But I’m into it! Let’s do the money dance! Where’s the money cannon so we can do the money dance? Wes? WES!?!”


End file.
